Did you hear the one about the Clown, the Chairman, the Cuban-Canadian, the First Lady and the Socialist?
Yeah I did- it was called the 2016 Presidential Campaign.
There are currently five real candidates for President left: On the one side there is Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, both white haired, veteran Democrats. On the other side of the political gulf there stands Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: the Clown and the Cuban. Yes John Kasich is still in the race. But he only has 144 delegates compared to Trumps 744 and Cruz’ 559. His resignation is expected any day. Now, to business. For many people the 2016 election is a convoluted process. For me it’s easy. It’s just a process of elimination. In fact, I already know who the next President is going to be:
Donald Trump’s name has become a byword for comedy, arrogance and racism. His attitude to women, the disabled and to foreigners is despicable. His comments about CNN host Megyn Kelly last August were sickening.”You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes”, Trump spewed out in another moment of verbal diarrhea, “…blood coming out of her wherever.” This utterly inappropriate statement makes Trump a candidate for the world’s biggest misogynist, not the President of the world’s richest country. And although he has apologized and water has gone under the proverbial bridge, when will Trump strike again? He is a loose cannon. He is a big bombastic, bigoted, big-mouthed brawler. He will not be President of the United States.
Hillary, Hillary, Hillary. She is the most experienced woman in the world in American politics to be running for the Presidency. A First Lady, a Senator, a Secretary of State. She has held some of the highest offices in the land and done a remarkable job. But being married to a former President of the United States (Bill Clinton) makes Hillary part of the establishment, whether she likes it or not. The 2016 Presidential campaign has already demonstrated that it doesn’t want a member of the establishment back in the Oval office. Look at what happened to poor old Jebby Bush. For the son and brother of former Presidents, you’d expect it to have been an easy race for him. Not at all. American voters are more informed than in the past. More skeptical. More alert. When it comes to Hillary they are aware that she has many positives. But they are also aware that she has done shady, secret deals in the past. We would run out of time to tell all the intricacies of Chinagate, of the Travelgate Scandal (when Hillary fired seven employees from the United States travel office to replace them with associates from Arkansas including Catherine Cornelius, a 25-year-old cousin of Bill’s), of the Whitewater Scandal or of the Filegate Scandal. None would like to see a woman become President more than I but…. I highly doubt that Hillary is the one.
Ted is Cruz’in for a bruising. Yes he is a political fighting machine. Yes his popularity has increased significantly since his campaign began. Yes he is eloquent, highly, highly educated (Harvard Law School), more ambitious than a room full of Napoleons and, well, Southern. But at the end of the day Cruz does not represent the America of tomorrow. He just doesn’t. Times are changing, whether we like it or not. Cruz is stuck in the past. He is dealing with guns rights issues, abortion, anti-immigration laws and American exceptionalism. With an increasingly edgy Russia, poised to carve out new portions of old sovereignty, the US needs somebody with a cool head. Cruz is a hot head. He once stood for 21 hours and 19 minutes filibustering an Obama Bill on the floor of the U.S. Congress. How pugnacious and stubborn can you get? What’s more, Cruz is a gun head. His youtube video entitled ‘making machine-gun bacon’ has been viewed 1.4 million times. That’s even more warped then watching ‘silly cat’ videos. What’s more, Cruz is a Cuban-Canadian-American and was actually born in Calgary. Sensationalism surrounding his dual citizenship will surely cost him some votes. The best thing Cruz could do on inauguration day next year is to line up for a lead role in forthcoming Terminator movies.
The minute that Bernie Sanders came out of the closet as a ‘Democratic Socialist’ his campaign for President was over. Let’s not forget, from 1945 until 1991 the U.S. was locked in a fierce ideological rivalry with Russia, then known as the U.S.S.R. The Cold War, in a nutshell, was Capitalists Vs. the Socialists. Day after day, year after year, the U.S. came to resent that word like off blue cheese. Socialism = the enemy. Although times have changed, some things never change and in the U.S. the meaning of socialism has retained its negative connotation. I actually think many of Bernie Sanders’ ideas are great, better education and welfare systems for Americans alla Scandinavia or my own country Australia is fantastic. It doesn’t matter how many wonderful plans and schemes he has to save America from itself, however, at the end of the day, by branding himself a ‘Socialist’, Sanders has as much chance at being the next President of America as Fidel Castro.
And so there is only one choice left. That’s right: I’m officially running for the President of the United States of Australmerica. You see, in the future war with Russia that Cruz is predicting, America and Australia are going to have to join together. United, the Pacific Ocean will be more secure under the watchful eye of Australmerica. Recently, a policy adviser of mine informed me of the top problems facing Australmerica. Firstly, the Chinese are building more aircraft carriers. Secondly, Canada has increased its goods and services tax on imported Australmerican goods. Thirdly, ISIS has increased its attacks in Europe. Lastly, economic growth in Texas and New Mexico has drastically decreased, thanks to big business going to Mexico, where workers are paid lower wages.
Today I announce my Key Action Plan (KAP). We are going to build a wall. We are going to build a wall on the Californian, Canadian, Eastern and Mexico borders and make China, Canada, ISIS and Mexico pay for that wall. I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great wall. We’re going to have a big, fat beautiful door on the wall; we’re going to have people come in, but they’re going to come in legally. You see I love all these people; I respect the Canadian leaders, but their leaders are much sharper, much smarter and more cunning than our leader. When they send immigrants over to decrease our maple syrup intake, they’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing hockey sticks and polar bears. They’re bringing maple syrup addicts. They’re criminals. And some, I assume, are good people.
I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. And we won’t be using a man like Secretary Kerry that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who’s making a horrible and laughable deal, who’s just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won’t be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.
Another reason to vote for me is I’ll reduce our $18 trillion in debt, because, believe me, we’re in a bubble. We have artificially low interest rates. We have a stock market that, frankly, has been good to me, but I still hate to see what’s happening. We have a stock market that is so bloated. Be careful of a bubble because what you’ve seen in the past might be small Vegemite sandwiches compared to what happens. So be very, very careful. And strengthen our military and take care of our vets. So, so important.
Sadly, the Australmerican dream is dead.
But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make Australmerica great again.